I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It was like getting head from an anaconda
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
