you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
