I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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