just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
