You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
