watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
