You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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