You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
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I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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