haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
