Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
