I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
