24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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