oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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