i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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