I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
