you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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