So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
