Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
