i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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