Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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