so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
