just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize