Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
