i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
