i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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