he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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