i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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