kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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