i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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