Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
