Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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