sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
