I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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