So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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