After last night, I could never be a politician.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
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Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
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Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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