i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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