The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
