My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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