Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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