It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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