The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
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