You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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