I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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