You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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