I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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