If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
