Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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