dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
