oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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