I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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