On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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