I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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