I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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