Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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