I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
