dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
