Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
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Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
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I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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